The best things around that I have ever seen*

... came from small towns and big dreams!!

Aww, I love that song! It was actually our grad song from high school and I really can't imagine a song that describes the small town feeling better. If you haven't noticed yet, my music often really expresses who I am and I use it as therapy quite often.

Well, as I mentioned I am a university student. In fact I'm done my degree (Bachelor of Arts) as of August 1st. YAY! Haha. I should be sooo excited. J and I sacrificed a lot for two years for me to go to school. The thing is I really want to go into Speech Language Pathology. Unfortunately, that's a Masters degree program. A really hard one to get into to boot. And its another two years. AND because of prerequisite drama, the earliest I could start if I do get in is September 2009. Which means I won't be done until August 2011. Which means I'll be 24 and J will be 26. Yikes. See the plan was always that I would start my program this September and be done August 2010 at 23 and 25. That is just not going to happen. And now, after two years of city living, J isn't sure if he can hang on for any more. And I can't say I blame him.

No he hasn't packed up and moved out. Yet. But he is starting to wonder if this is worth it. He won't let me quit but he is starting to get antsy to start his own life. He wants a house and a truck and a wife and kids. And I'm ... well I'm tied to school. The thing is, I'm not really. I have a degree in mere weeks. I could walk away if I wanted. And yet because of some stupid career goal (haha) I can't yet. I'm hoping summer will change his mind but I'm not really holding my breath. Now its not like he's leaving and we're suddenly broken up. But I mean after 4 years of living together ... the idea of him being hours away kills me. All I want is for him to be happy, and right now, in our situation, he isn't. And the idea of him being unhappy is killing me even more. It's not like I'm afraid of living without him. Sure I would miss him .. lots. But he doesn't owe me anything, he's put in more than I ever could have asked for. And if he needs to this for himself, I won't fight it. But I sure will miss his cute face. And that sense of "we're in this together". For what it's worth, I can't blame him if he does go.

We just are not city people. J can't stand crowds of people, it freaks him out. We both used to spend our free time in the Loops or Hope at the lake or river or up in the mountains. Here we feel surrounded by concrete. Sure the views are gorgeous but even the parks are crowded. There are cars and sirens and crowds everywhere you go. It's insane. The pace of life is just so hectic, I feel like there aren't enough hours in a day for me to accomplish anything. It's go go go all the time. I like a much slower pace of life. A life with less shopping malls and Starbucks and clubbing. I hate that stuff. I hate the anonymity. I miss walking down the street and knowing almost everyone, even if it does lead to gossip. I miss walking into the grocery store and saying "hello" to the person ahead of me. I miss thinking that 3 people ahead of me in line is a huge line up. I miss the sense of community. I miss my stable, steady, small town life.

I just wish I could see the future. If I knew for sure that I was going to get into grad school, I would stick it out. But if I stick it out this extra year to apply for grad school and don't get in, I'm gonna be choked. Sometimes I even wonder if it's worth it. I mean yeah, I love the job, the money is alright and it allows me to work pretty much anywhere. But I have to live in the city, I'm unhappy and depressed, it's taking a toll on my self-esteem and my relationship. I would just take a year off but I would still have to come back to the city so it's not really changing my situation.

*sigh*

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I have so much to think about. Ugh. I hate school.

~C

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Now playing: Paul Brandt - Small Towns and Big Dreams
via FoxyTunes

* Small Towns & Big Dreams - Paul Brandt