Spent your summer nights ... *

... without a care, take me there *

As a Canadian girly, I'm pretty darn stoked for this Canada Day Long Weekend~! Whoooo!!! This year I could not need a long weekend any more. I am desperate to get out of this concrete city and out to the country for a much needed break. Although I have a midterm as soon as I get back (ugh, seriously), I'm going to try to take most of this weekend to myself and spend some quality time with J. I also just need some carefree days and some alcohol. The last time I had that was here:

One of my best friends and I at my cabin last summer.
It was me, 5 20-something boys from my high school grad class and alcohol for a glorious week.
*sigh* Pure bliss.

Lately I've just been feeling so down on myself about everything that I think I just need to get away. Away from my house, my roommate who is driving me C-R-A-Z-Y and school. J is simply sick of city life, having a roommate and being cooped up in an apartment. Yup, both J and I need it badly.

I woke up to the best email ever yesterday, my mother-in-law (who is AMAZING, love her to bits) inviting us out to their place for the weekend. I love their place. They live in a rancher on 26 acres in the Wack. It's only a 10 minute drive to town but it feels like the boonies with all the wide open spaces and the smell of cow pie fertilizer (yup, I'm a country girl). They have a decent size deck where MIL and I can proceed to get smashed on Malibu and pineapple juice while the boys (father-in-law and brother-in-law and J) dirtbike and get into trouble. I really do have the best inlaws ever. I would be lost without them. In fact, I spent all yesterday morning calling various aunts, uncles and cousins and begging them to come down for a weekend, I miss them all terribly. When we lived in the Loops for the first two years of our relationship, there were over 30 of us in his family living in a 5 block radius. Needless to say, they were a part of my everyday life and as much as they can drive me crazy, they are my family. I miss spending almost every weekend with them.

I'm really excited for this weekend, I wish we could just go right NOW. It's supposed to be super hot and sunny this weekend and I am dreaming of spending hours on the deck basking in the sun. I feel like I made a huge mistake by taking summer classes this year. Last year was really fun and I met one of my bestest friends in the world, S, but this year I just don't feel the same. I have my awesome amazing friends and I love seeing them but I'm feeling ridiculously burnt out and my head is anywhere but in class. In fact, I'm skipping today. Although today I think I have an excuse, I think I ate a sandwich yesterday in which the meat was notttt quite perfect and I've been sick since 4 am. If I were motivated I would suck it up and go up to campus, but today, not so much. Haha.

I'm just feeling very incredibly done with school. The pressure of grad school is getting to me. If I fail at getting in, then I've totally let not only myself down, but J and his family. J has sacrificed everything so I could chase this ridiculous dream and his family could have used us up in the Loops these past two years with his grandpa being sick. But we couldn't be there because of my school and they were understanding. If I don't get in though, wow, what a waste. My GPA just isn't anywhere near where they want it and I'm just not sure if I even have a long shot. *sigh* I really really really really hate school lately.

Well, the boys will be home for lunch in 5 and I don't have anything ready for them. Oops! Haha.

~ C

----------------
* Now playing: Rascal Flatts - Take Me There
via FoxyTunes

The best things around that I have ever seen*

... came from small towns and big dreams!!

Aww, I love that song! It was actually our grad song from high school and I really can't imagine a song that describes the small town feeling better. If you haven't noticed yet, my music often really expresses who I am and I use it as therapy quite often.

Well, as I mentioned I am a university student. In fact I'm done my degree (Bachelor of Arts) as of August 1st. YAY! Haha. I should be sooo excited. J and I sacrificed a lot for two years for me to go to school. The thing is I really want to go into Speech Language Pathology. Unfortunately, that's a Masters degree program. A really hard one to get into to boot. And its another two years. AND because of prerequisite drama, the earliest I could start if I do get in is September 2009. Which means I won't be done until August 2011. Which means I'll be 24 and J will be 26. Yikes. See the plan was always that I would start my program this September and be done August 2010 at 23 and 25. That is just not going to happen. And now, after two years of city living, J isn't sure if he can hang on for any more. And I can't say I blame him.

No he hasn't packed up and moved out. Yet. But he is starting to wonder if this is worth it. He won't let me quit but he is starting to get antsy to start his own life. He wants a house and a truck and a wife and kids. And I'm ... well I'm tied to school. The thing is, I'm not really. I have a degree in mere weeks. I could walk away if I wanted. And yet because of some stupid career goal (haha) I can't yet. I'm hoping summer will change his mind but I'm not really holding my breath. Now its not like he's leaving and we're suddenly broken up. But I mean after 4 years of living together ... the idea of him being hours away kills me. All I want is for him to be happy, and right now, in our situation, he isn't. And the idea of him being unhappy is killing me even more. It's not like I'm afraid of living without him. Sure I would miss him .. lots. But he doesn't owe me anything, he's put in more than I ever could have asked for. And if he needs to this for himself, I won't fight it. But I sure will miss his cute face. And that sense of "we're in this together". For what it's worth, I can't blame him if he does go.

We just are not city people. J can't stand crowds of people, it freaks him out. We both used to spend our free time in the Loops or Hope at the lake or river or up in the mountains. Here we feel surrounded by concrete. Sure the views are gorgeous but even the parks are crowded. There are cars and sirens and crowds everywhere you go. It's insane. The pace of life is just so hectic, I feel like there aren't enough hours in a day for me to accomplish anything. It's go go go all the time. I like a much slower pace of life. A life with less shopping malls and Starbucks and clubbing. I hate that stuff. I hate the anonymity. I miss walking down the street and knowing almost everyone, even if it does lead to gossip. I miss walking into the grocery store and saying "hello" to the person ahead of me. I miss thinking that 3 people ahead of me in line is a huge line up. I miss the sense of community. I miss my stable, steady, small town life.

I just wish I could see the future. If I knew for sure that I was going to get into grad school, I would stick it out. But if I stick it out this extra year to apply for grad school and don't get in, I'm gonna be choked. Sometimes I even wonder if it's worth it. I mean yeah, I love the job, the money is alright and it allows me to work pretty much anywhere. But I have to live in the city, I'm unhappy and depressed, it's taking a toll on my self-esteem and my relationship. I would just take a year off but I would still have to come back to the city so it's not really changing my situation.

*sigh*

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I have so much to think about. Ugh. I hate school.

~C

----------------
Now playing: Paul Brandt - Small Towns and Big Dreams
via FoxyTunes

* Small Towns & Big Dreams - Paul Brandt

Just another manic Monday .... *

... I wish it was Sundayyy!! I hate Mondays, haha. They're always a harsh reminder of how I wasted my weekend and did not accomplish anything school related whatsoever~! Since the weather has absolutely sucked here in Van, we didn't do much. I honestly feel like reminding the weather that it is June and will soon be summer, these freezing cold temperatures can end anytime now!

Let's see ... this weekend I got to spend some precious time with my Aunt and my cousin .. err, cousin-in-law ... errrr, future cousin-in-law .... errrrrr, hopefully future cousin-in-law?, in any case, two of my favorite ladies that, despite us all living in Van (and its suburbs) we never get together. We hit up MetroTown which was fun, even for this shopping hater! :)

Since I had homework to do, I spent some time procrastinating and avoiding reality on the internet! I found a super awesome new blog, http://thepioneerwoman.com/ and I have become addicted to her love story. Probably the best story I've ever read and its not over yet! Definitely check it out! :) Also, she has some super awesome recipes and photos. I love her homemade and easy sounding (I haven't gotten to try any yet!!) recipes! As I endeavor to one day conquer the kitchen and be an amazing housewife on the weekends, I love homey and classic recipes. So far I have more than mastered my crock-pot aka my best friend.

Annnnyway, I really don't know where I'm going with this post today. I'm feeling very much like cuddling up on the couch with Kirby-cat and reading a book while a fire crackles and I sip tea. Today is a very gross, grey, rainy Monday in June. It looks more like January save the leaves on the trees. I either want summer to get here and be hot or just have snow and the dead of winter. Full of storms and hot chocolate and fires. I hate the in-between of spring.

Well, I must start (and finish!!) this assignment so I hope this post finds you enjoying sunny, hot weather!

~ C

* "Manic Monday" by The Bangels