Spent your summer nights ... *

... without a care, take me there *

As a Canadian girly, I'm pretty darn stoked for this Canada Day Long Weekend~! Whoooo!!! This year I could not need a long weekend any more. I am desperate to get out of this concrete city and out to the country for a much needed break. Although I have a midterm as soon as I get back (ugh, seriously), I'm going to try to take most of this weekend to myself and spend some quality time with J. I also just need some carefree days and some alcohol. The last time I had that was here:

One of my best friends and I at my cabin last summer.
It was me, 5 20-something boys from my high school grad class and alcohol for a glorious week.
*sigh* Pure bliss.

Lately I've just been feeling so down on myself about everything that I think I just need to get away. Away from my house, my roommate who is driving me C-R-A-Z-Y and school. J is simply sick of city life, having a roommate and being cooped up in an apartment. Yup, both J and I need it badly.

I woke up to the best email ever yesterday, my mother-in-law (who is AMAZING, love her to bits) inviting us out to their place for the weekend. I love their place. They live in a rancher on 26 acres in the Wack. It's only a 10 minute drive to town but it feels like the boonies with all the wide open spaces and the smell of cow pie fertilizer (yup, I'm a country girl). They have a decent size deck where MIL and I can proceed to get smashed on Malibu and pineapple juice while the boys (father-in-law and brother-in-law and J) dirtbike and get into trouble. I really do have the best inlaws ever. I would be lost without them. In fact, I spent all yesterday morning calling various aunts, uncles and cousins and begging them to come down for a weekend, I miss them all terribly. When we lived in the Loops for the first two years of our relationship, there were over 30 of us in his family living in a 5 block radius. Needless to say, they were a part of my everyday life and as much as they can drive me crazy, they are my family. I miss spending almost every weekend with them.

I'm really excited for this weekend, I wish we could just go right NOW. It's supposed to be super hot and sunny this weekend and I am dreaming of spending hours on the deck basking in the sun. I feel like I made a huge mistake by taking summer classes this year. Last year was really fun and I met one of my bestest friends in the world, S, but this year I just don't feel the same. I have my awesome amazing friends and I love seeing them but I'm feeling ridiculously burnt out and my head is anywhere but in class. In fact, I'm skipping today. Although today I think I have an excuse, I think I ate a sandwich yesterday in which the meat was notttt quite perfect and I've been sick since 4 am. If I were motivated I would suck it up and go up to campus, but today, not so much. Haha.

I'm just feeling very incredibly done with school. The pressure of grad school is getting to me. If I fail at getting in, then I've totally let not only myself down, but J and his family. J has sacrificed everything so I could chase this ridiculous dream and his family could have used us up in the Loops these past two years with his grandpa being sick. But we couldn't be there because of my school and they were understanding. If I don't get in though, wow, what a waste. My GPA just isn't anywhere near where they want it and I'm just not sure if I even have a long shot. *sigh* I really really really really hate school lately.

Well, the boys will be home for lunch in 5 and I don't have anything ready for them. Oops! Haha.

~ C

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* Now playing: Rascal Flatts - Take Me There
via FoxyTunes

It's amazing to me ... *

how every day, every day, every day, you save my life *

Oh Monday, how I hate you. Yet again I accomplished nothing this weekend and I'm totally upset with myself. I have a lot of work to do today to catch up. So of course I'm on here procrastinating! :) Oh I love how I'm ridiculously predictable.

I spent most of the weekend DMS-ing. It's like PMS-ing but the D stands for "During" instead of the P for "Pre". Haha. Actually I was pretty unbearable this weekend, I really don't know how J stands me. I get so upset and I just want to cry but of course I can't so I just sit there telling him "I'm just SO FRUSTRATED!!" over and over. Somehow he always makes me laugh by stopping me mid-sentence and saying "Babe, could you be frustrated?" or "Maybe you're just a little frustrated hun!". Ahhh. I was so ready to just drop out of school, burn down our apartment and kick our roomate out. Yeah, I was frustrated alright! Hopefully the rest of this week will go better, because even I'm sick of me.

J hasn't brought up the leaving thing lately so I figure I'm just gonna forget that it ever happened until he brings it up again. I don't want to stand in his way especially since he would never dream of standing in mine. It's just not worth stressing over right now because there is nothing I can do about it. I have 6 weeks left in my degree and if I feel that bad, I can just walk away with him.

Other than that the weekend was uneventful. I didn't get any of my homework done. The house isn't spotless and I still have piles of laundry to do. So it was pretty unsuccessful. But I did spend two days in bed watching movies and curling up with my heating pad, so that was nice. Kirby slept with me a lot and Joe had fun playing on Mom and Dad's bed for hours on end.

Today the sun is shining and I'm thinking about going for a nice run and then starting my day. The sun always changes my attitude on things.

~C

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* Now playing: Rascal Flatts - Every Day
via FoxyTunes

The best things around that I have ever seen*

... came from small towns and big dreams!!

Aww, I love that song! It was actually our grad song from high school and I really can't imagine a song that describes the small town feeling better. If you haven't noticed yet, my music often really expresses who I am and I use it as therapy quite often.

Well, as I mentioned I am a university student. In fact I'm done my degree (Bachelor of Arts) as of August 1st. YAY! Haha. I should be sooo excited. J and I sacrificed a lot for two years for me to go to school. The thing is I really want to go into Speech Language Pathology. Unfortunately, that's a Masters degree program. A really hard one to get into to boot. And its another two years. AND because of prerequisite drama, the earliest I could start if I do get in is September 2009. Which means I won't be done until August 2011. Which means I'll be 24 and J will be 26. Yikes. See the plan was always that I would start my program this September and be done August 2010 at 23 and 25. That is just not going to happen. And now, after two years of city living, J isn't sure if he can hang on for any more. And I can't say I blame him.

No he hasn't packed up and moved out. Yet. But he is starting to wonder if this is worth it. He won't let me quit but he is starting to get antsy to start his own life. He wants a house and a truck and a wife and kids. And I'm ... well I'm tied to school. The thing is, I'm not really. I have a degree in mere weeks. I could walk away if I wanted. And yet because of some stupid career goal (haha) I can't yet. I'm hoping summer will change his mind but I'm not really holding my breath. Now its not like he's leaving and we're suddenly broken up. But I mean after 4 years of living together ... the idea of him being hours away kills me. All I want is for him to be happy, and right now, in our situation, he isn't. And the idea of him being unhappy is killing me even more. It's not like I'm afraid of living without him. Sure I would miss him .. lots. But he doesn't owe me anything, he's put in more than I ever could have asked for. And if he needs to this for himself, I won't fight it. But I sure will miss his cute face. And that sense of "we're in this together". For what it's worth, I can't blame him if he does go.

We just are not city people. J can't stand crowds of people, it freaks him out. We both used to spend our free time in the Loops or Hope at the lake or river or up in the mountains. Here we feel surrounded by concrete. Sure the views are gorgeous but even the parks are crowded. There are cars and sirens and crowds everywhere you go. It's insane. The pace of life is just so hectic, I feel like there aren't enough hours in a day for me to accomplish anything. It's go go go all the time. I like a much slower pace of life. A life with less shopping malls and Starbucks and clubbing. I hate that stuff. I hate the anonymity. I miss walking down the street and knowing almost everyone, even if it does lead to gossip. I miss walking into the grocery store and saying "hello" to the person ahead of me. I miss thinking that 3 people ahead of me in line is a huge line up. I miss the sense of community. I miss my stable, steady, small town life.

I just wish I could see the future. If I knew for sure that I was going to get into grad school, I would stick it out. But if I stick it out this extra year to apply for grad school and don't get in, I'm gonna be choked. Sometimes I even wonder if it's worth it. I mean yeah, I love the job, the money is alright and it allows me to work pretty much anywhere. But I have to live in the city, I'm unhappy and depressed, it's taking a toll on my self-esteem and my relationship. I would just take a year off but I would still have to come back to the city so it's not really changing my situation.

*sigh*

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I have so much to think about. Ugh. I hate school.

~C

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Now playing: Paul Brandt - Small Towns and Big Dreams
via FoxyTunes

* Small Towns & Big Dreams - Paul Brandt

Home Sweet Home?

So I hope you all had a good Father's Day weekend! The weather is finally becoming nice here .. its about time!!

I spent this weekend in the town I graduated from high school. I think most would classify that as their hometown but, it's just never ever felt like home to me. In fact, it feels more like the worst place on earth to me. From the moment we moved to the day I left, it was never "home" it was simply the place my parents lived. Yet, on the street, people smile and say "Home visiting for the weekend are you?" and I just reply, "Yup, just seeing my parents." Or, I answer their phone and the caller says, "Oh, home for summer are you?" and I always say, "Nope, just visiting Mom and Dad for a day or two." I purposely don't use the word "home". I cannot bring myself to call this place, this house I lived in for 11 years, home. It's not my home. It's my parents' home, it's my brother's home, heck, it's my dog's home. But it's not my home.

Life in this town was not happy for me. I was never quite "one of the gang". Oh sure I had friends, but I had very few (if any!) girl friends and I mostly just hung out with the boys. I was or at least I always felt, like I was just a bit on the edge, not quite belonging. Sure I partied and dated and had some fabulous times, but I always felt just a little bit left out.

In the winter the rain brought me down. A Cariboo girl like myself needs snow and cold and winter sunshine. This town offers months (yes, months) where the sun literally doesn't touch the ground (from November to mid February). There are months of non-stop rain and suffocating low clouds. The gorgeous mountains become evil gatekeepers and you are trapped; trapped under the grey clouds, in the mood-busting rain by the huge, intimidating mountains. By the end of every winter, I was itching to run, antsy to leave and on the first sunny weekend I would hop in my car and drive the Canyon. In the summer I always fled to the town that is my true hometown. I fled to the Cariboo where I felt at home, happy and at peace. To this day the Cariboo soothes me in a way nothing else can. I still cry bitterly as J and I leave the cabin and goodness, I'm 21!

For some reason the moment I arrive in this town, I become that 15 year old girl again. The one that feels worthless, ugly, undesirable and worst of all, like life is not worth living. It's not that I don't have bad days elsewhere, I do, it's just that every day in this town is a bad day for me. I dread having to leave the house, I'm uncomfortable running into people, I just want to crawl into bed and hide away. I can't explain it. It just happens. Even when I tell myself and promise myself that this time will be different, that this time I'm okay and I'm 21 and I haven't lived there for four years, and it's just a visit .. and every time, it's awful. It hits me like a Mack truck. Bowls me over and crushes me until I cannot breathe. I count the hours until I can leave again. And as we hit the highway on our way home, I promise that I'll never be back.

As soon as high school was over, I started my search for places to live in my new college town. I moved August 1st, over a month before college even began. But I was done, I was gone, I was running away. I still remember that drive out of town, 5am, 17 years old and gleeful. I turned the music up and sang all the way there. When I arrived, I pulled into my new parking space, walked to my townhouse, put the key in the lock and I felt this immediate sense of home. Throughout college I never said "Oh I'm going home for the weekend." I really felt that I was home and that visiting my parents was really just visiting.

I must say, this town hasn't been all bad to me. I spent my teenage years here, young and carefree. I met J here, and I am forever grateful for that. I have met some of the most amazing people and been on trips and adventures of a lifetime because of this town. I learned the real meaning of community here and saw that it really does take a village to raise a child. Everywhere I go, I am recognized and greeted warmly. The whole town seems to take pride in your life's accomplishments. Everyone is there to help, offer advice and simply wish you well. And yet, I still don't feel at home here.

It's Monday and I've been here since Thursday night. I cannot wait to get home. To me home is wherever I share a house with J and Joe and Kirb. More and more the three of them become my immediate family. It doesn't matter that I don't want to live in the city and we live in the city. I feel more home in our little 2 bedroom, 3rd storey, busy city apartment, than I do in the house my parents own and live in, and I lived in for 11 years. Wow eh. Every place J and I have shared was immediately home to me. From the moment we moved in, to the moment we moved out, it was absolutely, positively my home.

Well, I have to run. I'm almost on my way home!!!

~ C

J

Well, you've met my two kids, now meet their daddy!

J is truly the love of my life. We've been together for almost four years and have lived together since literally day one. J is a welder and welder-fabricator in town. He absolutely loves what he does and enjoys going to work every morning. There are days when I wish he had a cleaner job (my landlord once asked how I "balanced two men", J leaves in the morning white and comes home black, hahahaha!) but I love seeing how happy he is.

We actually met in high school and graduated together. Apparently we both had "crushes" but were always involved with other people. Fast forward to a few months after graduation after we had both moved to the same new town, we met for coffee and the rest is history.

J is of Metis background and is fairly proud of his heritage. We are a hunting family, though I haven't let him hang up any heads ... yet. I knew from the first kiss my life was changed forever but it hasn't always been easy. We've both had to learn a lot and compromise. We've been through quite a bit together but the reality is: we are both better people who live more balanced lives and are able to achieve their dreams, when we are together.

I should mention that we are (on the surface, anyway) complete opposites. Oh sure, our values match and our visions of our future mesh perfectly ... but really, we're so different. From having completely different backgrounds, upbringings, experiences and educations, we are always learning new things about each other. It's really fun.

J is also a guitar player. I love it and so do the kids. Literally, when its bedtime, he'll pick up his strat and start playing quietly and both kids (well not always Joe 'cause he's not always running around) will come up and sit on the amp or on his feet and just chill out. It's so cute. It's probably my favorite time of day.

J is just the most awesome person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I'm still so blown away at how lucky I am to have him in my life. Even after all these years, at least once a week one of us will burst out laughing and say "Could you ever have predicted THIS in high school?" and then we giggle and cuddle. Haha. And the truth is, I could never have imagined someone so amazing.

Joe

So you've met Kirby the kitty, now meet Joe, my bearded dragon!

Joe is now 2 and 1/2 years old. It blows my mind. We got him when he was just 9 weeks old and was such a little fella!

He's now 23 inches long but is still my baby boy. So how did we end up with a lizard? Funny story. J and I had been together for almost a year. Our first year was a really really really really rough one (maybe I'll explain that another time). And finally, a year into it, we were stable again. Our favorite store was PetLand. J always admired the reptiles and wanted one soooooo bad. We literally went every single day to visit the animals and we knew all the salespeople. Finally one day, I said "Alright, if you can find and buy all the stuff we need to have a lizard, we can get one."

You see, lizards aren't like bringing home a kitten or a puppy. There's sooo much to think of. Lights, temperatures, substrates, diet, vitamins and minerals, finding a vet, finding a tank ... its a lot of work. Basically I figured J would try for a day or two and give up. Apparently I was wrong. Within a week everything was ready for our new bundle of joy.

J had already picked out Joe and was visiting him multiple times a day, on lunch breaks, before school, after school, while I shopped for groceries ... he just loved the little guy. I wasn't expecting to really feel anything, I mean really, its a lizard. But that first night, I learned all about sleepless nights and parental anxiety lol. Joe was so weirded out by the move that he wouldn't lay down and sleep. His cage was at the foot of our bed and I stayed up all night just watching him, trying not to panic that he wasn't sleeping. Stress is really bad for reptiles and I could tell my 9 week old baby was stresssssssssssed!

Somehow we made it through and before you know it, Joe was our first child. He's been to Silver Star Ski Resort on a ski vacation, Tofino for a family vacation, to the cabin, and to grandma and grandpa's. Since we've had him we've moved 4 times and he's been a little trooper each time. In the summer months we like to take family picnics at parks and let him get some natural sunlight. He likes to ride shotgun on Dad's shoulder on walks, sleep on Mom's tummy during movies and hang out when Mom does homework. He loves to come out and visit when we have company and people are fascinated by him.

Most people doubt a reptile can have personality, but I'm hear to say, they sure can! Joe is the master of the evil eye. Whether he is not impressed with today's salad or Kirby stole one of his precious crickets, he can give the stink eye like no other. He loves people. Loves them. Joe adores coming out for visits and most people fall in love with him right away (well, except for my close friend HydroBoy, he hates Joe because he is deathly afraid of him). My mom likes to carry Joe around on her shoulder, he had naps with my dad, my mother-in-law introduces him as her grandson ...! He's truly a part of the family. He's just amazing and I love my big boy.

Kirby-cat aka Princess

So I'm sitting here at home doing anything but finishing up the paper that's due this afternoon (hahaha!) and I was thinking I should introduce some of the most important people in my life. I'll start with Kirby the cat since she is cuddled up on my lap.

Kirby is our youngest "child", yes my pets are my kids. (I know, ridiculous but I'm 21 and going to school full-time, I'm not quite at the kids stage in my life so my pets will have to do!) We got her last summer when we moved into the place we live in now. We brought her home with a "full health guarantee" only to realize, mere hours later, that she had fleas and worms. Poor baby. We brought her to the vet ASAP and she has been a picture of health ever since. (Speaking of vets, ours is a jerk. Currently he sees both Kirby and our bearded dragon, Joe but has been nothing but awful to J and I. He treats us like the dirt on his shoes and is so rude. I realize that we are a young couple: J is 23 and as I said, I'm 21 ... and when he first met us I was 20 and J was 22 but Kirby was spayed the moment she was old enough, our pets go for regular check ups, are up to date on their shots and are well looked after. No need to be rude.)

Anyyyyhow, I swear Kirby makes my days complete. I'd never had a cat before and when we first brought her home the poor thing was petrified. She ran away, she hid .. I was devastated. You see, I'm probably one of the most affectionate people you will ever meet. I shower J, Kirby and Joe with hugs, kisses, cuddles and non-stop attention. So when Kirby was afraid of us, I thought it would be that way forever, my dreams of napping with her and watching movies with her on my lap were shot. At first J was pretending to be a hard-ass and said the cat had to sleep outside of our room, so he shut the door at night. After a week of her crying at our door and me crying in bed because I just want my kitten, he caved and she now sleeps wherever she pleases (usually on top of me somewhere).

Immediately Kirby's favorite thing was her "brother", Joe the beardie. She naps beside him during the day, runs to him when she's in trouble, refuses to eat until he has been fed too and gets very concerned if we carry him out of her sight. Unfortunately, originally Joe hated her. Poor bugger would get so distraught we had to put up a barrier between the two. Now he grudgingly acknowledges that she is a part of his life but shoots me the eye when she curls up next to his cage for a nap.

Since we live in a third storey apartment, Kirbs is an indoor cat but she has recently begun exploring the balcony as well. Our little munchkin completely runs this household. Mornings begin bright and early 7 days a week because if she hasn't been fed by 6:30 or 7am she stands on my chest, puts her nose to mine and stares until I wake up. She hates to be locked out of rooms, including the bathroom. Silly kitty sits on a towel on top of the toilet while J or I shower every day and gets royally offended if R doesn't do the same. When you use the washroom she sits outside the door or occasionally tries to break it down. At 3:45pm every work day she sits at the door waiting for her daddy to come home. He pretends he thinks she's annoying but you should see the way he talks to her when he doesn't know I'm home. And she worships him.

Kirby comes on all kinds of trips, from visiting grandma and grandpa, to camping and heading out to the cabin. Even at my parent's house she runs the roost. Within minutes Kita, my parents dog, has completely submitted to her and she takes over her dog bed, the table, the counter and occasionally the top of my dad's head.

Although we've only had her for just shy of a year, I can't imagine my life without that little butt. The first time (and last time, for now) we went away without her, I cried every night and made J "knead" my hair like she does every night. The sound of her purrrr is intoxicating and I will do anything to get my fix. If she looks even slightly comfortable I will do anything in my power to keep it that way, even if I am in complete agony in a contortionist position. Yup, I love my little Princess.

~ C

Just another manic Monday .... *

... I wish it was Sundayyy!! I hate Mondays, haha. They're always a harsh reminder of how I wasted my weekend and did not accomplish anything school related whatsoever~! Since the weather has absolutely sucked here in Van, we didn't do much. I honestly feel like reminding the weather that it is June and will soon be summer, these freezing cold temperatures can end anytime now!

Let's see ... this weekend I got to spend some precious time with my Aunt and my cousin .. err, cousin-in-law ... errrr, future cousin-in-law .... errrrrr, hopefully future cousin-in-law?, in any case, two of my favorite ladies that, despite us all living in Van (and its suburbs) we never get together. We hit up MetroTown which was fun, even for this shopping hater! :)

Since I had homework to do, I spent some time procrastinating and avoiding reality on the internet! I found a super awesome new blog, http://thepioneerwoman.com/ and I have become addicted to her love story. Probably the best story I've ever read and its not over yet! Definitely check it out! :) Also, she has some super awesome recipes and photos. I love her homemade and easy sounding (I haven't gotten to try any yet!!) recipes! As I endeavor to one day conquer the kitchen and be an amazing housewife on the weekends, I love homey and classic recipes. So far I have more than mastered my crock-pot aka my best friend.

Annnnyway, I really don't know where I'm going with this post today. I'm feeling very much like cuddling up on the couch with Kirby-cat and reading a book while a fire crackles and I sip tea. Today is a very gross, grey, rainy Monday in June. It looks more like January save the leaves on the trees. I either want summer to get here and be hot or just have snow and the dead of winter. Full of storms and hot chocolate and fires. I hate the in-between of spring.

Well, I must start (and finish!!) this assignment so I hope this post finds you enjoying sunny, hot weather!

~ C

* "Manic Monday" by The Bangels

Weekend Fun!

Well, its been awhile since my first post, so I figured I should try to update! I know its Tuesday but I'm still kinda recovering from the weekend! Haha.

Friday night some of our high school friends (J, R and I all graduated together so we have a ton of mutual friends!) came down to celebrate J's birthday (it was on Tuesday). I worked and was expecting to come home to an empty house because I figured the boys would go hit up the 'rippers or something. But instead I came home to a full (very full!) house of boys eating pizza and playing rockband. Well they played until well after 5am, I'm sure our neighbours were totally impressed lol. I went to bed around 4am and was up at 8am, expecting to go to a conference out at UBC.

It was grad weekend in my hometown and my "little brother" C was graduating. But I didn't think I could make it into town. He's not my biological or legal little brother, he's my real little brother's best friend. His parents have some major drug issues and he left them 2 years ago. He moved in with friends down the road from us because my brother (M) is a year older than him and left my parents home last year and he didn't want to burden my parents. But he spends a great deal of time there and he is really a member of our family. I was devastated at the thought of missing his graduation but as we are currently vehicle-less, I knew there was nothing I could do about it. But R surprised me and we rushed out there! It was fantastic! Everyone was really surprised and C was thrilled.

Since its totally small town Canada the whole town really comes out and celebrates! All the families of grads host BBQs and you go around visiting. Its a lot of fun! I got to BBQ-hop with my parents and visit with a lot of friends. It was great to see some people and catch up. J and R drank at R's parents place and I ended up there later in the evening as well. Later that night, after I helped J be sick and pass out, I went back to my parents place to have a good drunk talk with my baby brothers and we all passed out downstairs together. M was out first but C and I had quite the convo and hung with the pup. It was great since I don't get to see them as much as I would like. C and I had SOOO much fun but since we didn't crash 'til around 4ish, I am crazy exhausted!!! Sunday was all about J, R and I trying to get our tired selves home and ready for the week. Monday was particularly rough!!!

This week is pretty exciting since two of my best friends are graduating from university! YAY girls! It will be sad to see them but also really exciting! :)

Anyway, that was my weekend. Lots of fun but now I'm way too far behind in school stuff! Hope you are well!

~ C